OLD SELF.

I'm trying to find me. The me that is strong and independent. The one that does not give a shit and has fun with everyone. Who's honest and not afraid to tell what is on her mind. The one that does not hurt people around her. I have to do this for myself. Thanks Emily for reminding me. Your a true friend. Taking step by step. First one, no more bitchy moves. Second, no more drama. Third, don't take little things serious. Fourth, no more dis-honesty. Fifth, love the ones that was there first. The five steps of life. I hope I find her.

PRESSURE.

FUCK! Its the "your too fat problem" that everybody is tripping over about. My doctor said I have big bones. Shit man, I''m trying to lose weight gosh. I get it. I hate when people repeat things over like I don't hear them. So much pressure of looking good and getting good grades this year. Give me a break. But that is not the big problem. I'm having a major fight with my best friend and its been going on for 2 weeks or more. It was over something stupid that I started. I want to call but I don't know what to say. She tried calling but I didn't answer. I'm just going to wait for the right moment to talk. On the other hand sooner the better. School starting and I'm kinda ready. Get my new glasses, check. Get a binder, check. Get a fit body and new clothes, nope. Man, money has been a BITCH like always. I need to turn 16 fast so I can get a job. For some reason, now and days I'm losing myself. Like, half of me is so strong and doesn't care about what others say and just live life. The other half is so insecure and scared of losing someone close. I wish things were the same as they were before when everything was nothing. I need a refreshment.
Like a wise one once said, "WHEN YOU LEARN TO FORGIVE, YOU WILL LEARN TO FORGET."
-Always Truly, Jennifer

BAC SANG.

My Uncle had cancer. His cancer was not curable. The doctors said he was going to die in two years but he lasted for 4 years. I remember the day he died on his bed at the hospital. He was gone before I had reach there. I saw church people chanting. I knew it was his time to go. I rushed to hug him as tight as I could. My sister followed me. Tears fell down our cheeks faster than a bad rain. He was cold yet so soft. He was bony and had very dry lips. The doctors put a white cloth over his eyes so we wouldn't have to see it. But, the the church people said to open it so he can see you for the last time and shut his eyes. I opened it, I started to cry even harder and louder. I covered my sister eyes so she didn't have to live with the image of seeing her uncle like that. His eyes were open which meant he wasn't done with life. I sat down there crying and holding him. Just waiting for him to come back. But I knew he was gone forever. I won't see him ever again. I never knew he would be gone so early. I wish I had spend more time with him. My heart stopped. It was half an hour before he had to get cremated, my sister went with my dad outside the lawn from my uncles bedroom. While I just sat there and hold his hands as long as I could. It was time to go. I asked my dad to drop me off at the duck park where my uncle would take me a lot when I was little. I went there by myself walking around the duck pond. Crying alone. What was worse, was all my memories with my uncle at the park came back and it made me cry so bad. I couldn't breath by the time I hit the bridge on the pond. I walked around the whole park then came back where I started. I saw this tree and I wanted to carve my uncle's name. Then I walked to the playground. I sat on the swings and just started to cry. Crying to my uncle. Why did he leave me? But I couldn't be selfish. When he was on his cancer therapy. He had all these needles stuck to him and he couldn't go out a lot. It hurt so bad to see him like that. I'm glad he is in a better place now. My uncle was the best uncle you could have asked for. Thanks for buying me food, toys, and stuff I didn't really need. Thanks for always being there for me like rides or if I was in trouble you always would defend me. Its been almost 2 months. I still cry every week. I still remember how he looked when he died. Makes me cry every time. Even right now, runny nose. Tears can't show how much I miss him. I love you BAC SANG. Rest in peace. He may be gone but he is with me forever.
Like he always have told me, ''THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN BOYS." RIP. 03/19/09
-Always Truly, Jennifer